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R-Evolution Against Pedophiles

FATHER’S DAY

The text being published in this moment was written as many of the analyses that I have been putting together with the intention of writing a book of memories and history of evolution to free myself from the consequences of child sexual abuses I suffered.

I thought that it would be important to release the publication of this part at this particular moment, due to the significance it represents, as my father was sent back to jail again and because it happened so close to the date of father’s day celebration in Brazil.

As the majority of abusers are fathers, I decided to anticipate this publication especially in acknowledgement of millions of people who, like I used to, they hunger for receiving help about how to deal with their mixed feelings on such a date that is too hard for us to celebrate.

So, I would like to be able, to share with other survivors, how I felt on father’s day, as well as how and why this can happen to us.

By disclosing the traps that we survivors are caught in, we can perceive how much we keep being affected by traumas, learning and pressures of religious teachings that re-abuse us emotionally, how this hinds us from achieving freedom and how this makes it difficult to heal from the emotional wounds caused by child sexual abuse.

When I saw the photo of my father being arrested, published in a newspaper, on the internet, showing the news of the cancellation of his release, I was hit by the image of his worried eyes and the expression of fear in his sealed lips. I was surprised to catch myself feeling pity for him!

The feeling of sorrow for that poor corralled and miserable figure, made me feel like I was the bad one, at that moment, as I was the one who denounced him…

This happened on the weekend of father’s day commemoration in Brazil and while many other people were celebrating their fathers, I felt attacked twice by having to put up with the fact that other people had their father’s shown in newspapers front pages, when the one I had of my father was of him being arrested.

This was the father I had to grief, instead of for celebrating. I felt emotional, sick and nauseated because of the image of the father I had to see, especially on such a day.

Looking at that sad figure, I talked to him as if he could hear me: “See what you did with yourself, my father. Things could have been so different…”

The tears rolled down my face and my heart was in pain.

It was at that moment, when I saw his hand in his pocket, that I became lucid again.

The hand he was hiding, the symbol of the truth he was hiding, came to remind me that his miserable face was nothing more than a mask he uses to mislead people and, if I had not denounced him, I wonder what that hand would be doing if he had the freedom to be alone with a defenceless child…

I also reminded myself, how much I was feeling depressed, without hope and suffering since he got bail from jail no longer than a month earlier, as well as the lies he kept spreading around, about me.

Like lighting, I was hit by flashbacks from my childhood. It was like if the images were fixed into my eyes. I could remember my father crying and telling me how much he used to love me, while he also insist that I should never tell anyone about the “touching” in the form of sexual abuses that he used to infringe onto me. He used to alert me that if I would do it, he would go to jail.

It is sad to admit to myself today that, his tears were not because of the love he used to say he felt for me but an egoistic concern he had about himself, of being caught and punished.

I realised then where the feeling of pity that made me feel bad and guilty was coming from, after seeing him in such a shameful situation.

Besides my innocence as a child, by trying to deny to myself the monster I had as a father, It was him who increased my feelings of pity for him, by being cowardly enough to convince me to accept to transfer the guilt of his wrongs to me.

It was my “inner child” who was coming out at that moment, to who my father told to carry the responsibility for the damage he had done to himself, to me and to my family.

I became conscious then, that once again, this was a reaction of the many traumas that he had caused to me, which was coming out at that moment and would keep showing up for the rest of my life.

Looking at his photo again, I said to him then:

“You are the only one responsible for being arrested, because the guilt for what is happening to you is exclusively yours. You deserve to spend father’s day in jail and also the rest of your days!

Today, you cannot trick me to carry your guilt anymore. I learned to be alert, not to fall for the emotional blackmails you tried to make me a prisoner to. You do not deserve that I feel sorry for you.”